pain.

love.

jealousy.

My life as been so smooth lately, i've forgotten what its felt like to be sad. The problem is, i only use superficial methods that wear off in an hours time. Now Alan's pestering me to do something crazy with him and the crew this weekend and I know i will..

because Im always looking for bigger, brighter opportunities..ways for people to understand me, to love me, to want me.

Maybe I'm crazy because I crave attention. Then, when I get it, i become agitated for people parenting me. Like Friday. Alan was so scared I was going to die that he wouldn't leave me alone.

I finally left Tylers and ran for awhile, i think, and sat down by this crummy gutter, but i couldnt help thinking how beautiful the tree growing next to this ugly piece of trash was.

The moonlight filtered in just right, it swayed just right. The stars sparkled beautifully.

Then i realized that even ugly, mishapen things have beauty. You just have to look a little bit harder. And when you find the it its probably purer than beauty thats only surface deep.

I noticed that the gutter did reflect the moonlight-that I could see broken bits of myself.

A little while later, Colin pulled up in his white car, but i saw a knight on a white horse riding to my rescue. He took me away, even though I didnt ask him too. He brought me back to Tyler's a little later and I sat outside with Alan,

and I kept shaking because I thought that I was going to die too. I was convinced i was dead because nobody would look at me, except for alan and colin.

I stood in a crowded room and screamed at the top of my lungs, and nobody noticed.

Alan just put his arm around my shoulder and i finally realized that people cared too much and thats why they didn't look.

If I died, and they didn't witness it, it wouldnt be as hard for them to get over.

Pretty ironic don't you think?

<3