my mind did a big 360 and even the dark and scary things that i hide deep in corners of my head surfaced, and i forced myself to look at them and figure out what exactly is going on with my life, what i want it to be and how to change it.

Most of it surrounded BT and I's conversation, how he thought i was smart and funny and wonderful and how he would always be there for me and I almost started to cry because of how pathetic i am.

I.AM.PATHETIC. I can't do anything for myself-i only feel capable of things when other people tell me i am good at them. I need other people and that hurts me, because i dont want to need, i just want contentment.

but BT, he knows how to get me everytime. He knows exactly what to say and he is the most wonderful guy in the whole universe and i love him for that.

I want to call jordan.

I need to call jordan.

even though my better judgement tells me not to, because i know that if he tells me it was MY fault he slapped me last night,

i will find someway to believe him.

I always do.

<3<3<3